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08 April 2014 @ 05:38 pm
Today was the first time I think in an entire year that I got angry. I sat in counseling, going through the same shit all over again amount my mother, and suddenly I was yelling. I don't remember the last time I yelled, or hit something, or swore out of spite. I just sat there, yelling and swearing about my stupid mother and the excuses she tried to make this week for why she withheld any sort of education from me my entire life and it felt so familiar. Elizabeth just watched me for the longest time and finally said, "You used to be so angry about everything. I remember seeing you when you were a freshman, a sophomore even and just marveling at how energetic and pissed off you were at the world. Now, and for a while now, you've just been sad. What do you think happened?"
I had absolutely no response to that. She was right, though; I used to be so angry about injustices, about people not getting what they need or people not getting what they deserve. I fought for everything. I spent so much energy trying to understand what people needed because I knew they wouldn't get it somewhere else, and I loved doing it. Now when something's wrong I can't even talk to my own roommate. I can't talk to my sister. I can't talk to my dad about why it cuts like a knife every time he makes excuses for my mom. I can't talk to Josh. When ever I see someone that I would be remotely interested in actually sharing everything with like I used to, everything becomes suppressed and I can't even make myself feel it. Somewhere along the way, my anger stopped mattering. It got reduced down to this frantic sadness, this panic to keep everything straight and to figure everything out quickly so that it wouldn't get out of my control. Except that my capacity to be in control is getting smaller and smaller and I keep internalizing everything and then shoving that ideal on everyone else. Elizabeth told me to please find someone I can yell to. Someone to vent to. She suggested it had something to do with David; that he reacted so negatively to my anger that I broke and began translating my feelings into sadness because it was easier to justify to him. It rings true but I hated hearing her say that. I was never this meek before. I was never this nervous before. I was never this hands-off before. Regardless of whether or not he had a hand in it, I hate this person I've become. It would be nice if all I had to do was just yell more. 
April: stock | held your heart tillghostsfell on April 9th, 2014 05:08 am (UTC)
imma just reply here to both the tumblr message and the post bc it's late and i'm the laziest:

like, the simply occupying the same space thing actually... doesn't make much sense to me. people with differences have an easier time of it than this everyday. they remain friends and we very nearly haven't; it's like we downgraded to... well, just roommates, tbh. and like, i honestly don't think it's supposed to be this difficult and isolating to live...with...your friend. but wrt the rest: i'm sorry that despite your progress, and how much happier you are, you're still sad. i really am, and i'm glad that you have help putting things/people/experiences into context so you can work through them. which brings me to my next point: i've literally been viscerally mad for a decade and that's not gone away, and more than that it isn't even the same kind of anger as yours, so any advice i have to give would be the usual for our dynamic at this point, ie: pointless/ineffectual. but i'm willing to be yelled to, if that's what you need. i'm fairly equable when it comes to other people's problems, that shit don't phase me.

also a mini addendum: i think it's sort of important to note that you can only blame other people for your shit for so long. like, she's responsible for your crap childhood, yes, but she's not responsible for your actions now. he's responsible for what he did to you, and how he made you feel, but he's not responsible for your actions now. if that makes sense? it just... it took me a really long time to nut up and recognize and own up to that, and i feel like i should just put it out there for good measure.
origamiwindmillorigamiwindmill on April 9th, 2014 05:28 am (UTC)
tbh I was hoping you would cause tumblr eats your messages like woahhh

but anyway
I've been trying to figure it out for ages now why it's so weird just living in the same space and the conclusion I've....sort of come to is that our situation is just really, really fucking weird? like it's this strange half-way point between knowing each other alarmingly well in some aspects and then not at all in others, and i don't think that kind of atmosphere would really exist in any situation but ours hence not having a damn clue what to do. Like usually when you meet someone you learn their physical cues at the same time as mental or personality cues and it's really discombobulating to only learn one really well at a time. Honestly, thinking about it now, it was the exact same feeling when I met Shouri and Kristy; the difference being, obviously, that I wasn't living with them, nor was I as close with them at that point. So...idk that doesn't really get us anywhere, except that like I really want to do shit with you and hang out? I just don't really know what you enjoy and what you...tolerate, I guess. I really want you to have a good time. That's a priority for me and I'm really bad at picking up your physical cues as to if you're actually enjoying it, which is completely my fault and something I should be more astute about.

EDIT after reading this again I also realized the obvious one which is that you "met" me at a really shitty time like wow lmfao i'm sorry. clearly my inability to human has horrible timing

also sidenote but thank you tbh. I don't like being sad because I think it has a stranger translation than anger, at least when I feel it; like it seeps into my actions far more than my anger would and I really hate that and judge myself for it. So thank you.

and also extra side note: I think as far as things go with my mom I'm kind of handling them in stages as far as blame goes; I've started to move on from my anger towards her decisions as far as the cult goes and her personality and her general way of handling things because yeah, that's not something that's going to change and I need to start making decisions as mutually exclusive of that as I can. It's the more objective of the issues I have with her, and one that kind of needed to be tackled on its own. Now I'm shifting my focus to the more concrete issue, which is how furious I am at her for withholding any kind of education from me. How close I came to being utterly fucked and illiterate, how slim the chance was of me achieving what I have now honestly appalls me and is the main reason I feel nauseous when she takes any credit for what I've done or even acknowledges anything I've accomplished. She still thinks she did the right thing and completely skipping out on teaching your kid anything after promising to do just that is a little more than something that can be explained away with "every parent makes mistakes." BUT I'm working on that now too, and that one I think might come more easily. Being angry at all for me is a really good sign at this point and probably something like the stages of grief or something idk. Acceptance and letting it go will come with time, at the very least it's the goal.

Edited at 2014-04-09 05:31 am (UTC)
April: stock | held your heart tillghostsfell on April 9th, 2014 04:10 pm (UTC)
that's true to a degree i suppose, i don't know a single part of this friendship that could be construed as normal lmao. and i doubt it's a lack of astuteness; i mostly poker-face my way through life, it's a holdover from abuse that, like all the others, hasn't quite gone away. like, it's improved some, i'm now able to show genuine excitement when i see someone i enjoy as a person, especially at work, but yeah. the rest of the time i'm sure i'm hard to read, especially around you and even your parents because i'm trying to keep myself in line. as for what i enjoy doing...UHHH. i'm typically up for just about anything if it means not being cooped up, because i'm restless and it makes my skin crawl? idk seeing new pockets of the city is fun. walks are fun. being hipsters with coffee and cameras is fun. movies are fun. shopping is fun. eating is fun. throwing bread at ducks is fun. i don't know what else there is to do here but literally anything is fun if you're with the right people, is the point. and wrt to that i feel i should add: i don't want you feeling obligated to hang out with me, that wasn't what any of this was about, and if you prefer hanging out with people like josh or... idk, your other friends whose names i literally can't remember because i'm a terrible person*, then you SHOULD. (*josh is literally the only one i see with any frequency i feel like this gets me a blanket pardon ok at LEAST I REMEMBERED THAT MUCH.) i'd also like to point out that what you like to do/enjoy is important to, it shouldn't be all about making the other person happy.

& i... yeah, that's definitely a super shitty thing for her to do. my mom literally does the opposite, like, she acknowledged and apologized for it once, offhandedly, as a joke, like, "wow, aha, i really screwed the pooch there with your schooling, huh? sorry about that," and otherwise pretends it never happened. she literally doesn't see the big deal of my currently not attending a college when i want to be, because she "did just fine without it" and "people live their life without universities everyday :)". which, i mean, that's much less of an invasive problem than yours, and that sucks, i'm sorry, i don't know how to help with that. like, i've made myself completely independent of her because of this shit and her refusal to change the fucking situation she's in and i know that's not much of an option for you and i'm sorrrrrrryyyyy tbh. you've got every right to be angry.

Edited at 2014-04-09 05:06 pm (UTC)