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08 April 2014 @ 05:38 pm
Today was the first time I think in an entire year that I got angry. I sat in counseling, going through the same shit all over again amount my mother, and suddenly I was yelling. I don't remember the last time I yelled, or hit something, or swore out of spite. I just sat there, yelling and swearing about my stupid mother and the excuses she tried to make this week for why she withheld any sort of education from me my entire life and it felt so familiar. Elizabeth just watched me for the longest time and finally said, "You used to be so angry about everything. I remember seeing you when you were a freshman, a sophomore even and just marveling at how energetic and pissed off you were at the world. Now, and for a while now, you've just been sad. What do you think happened?"
I had absolutely no response to that. She was right, though; I used to be so angry about injustices, about people not getting what they need or people not getting what they deserve. I fought for everything. I spent so much energy trying to understand what people needed because I knew they wouldn't get it somewhere else, and I loved doing it. Now when something's wrong I can't even talk to my own roommate. I can't talk to my sister. I can't talk to my dad about why it cuts like a knife every time he makes excuses for my mom. I can't talk to Josh. When ever I see someone that I would be remotely interested in actually sharing everything with like I used to, everything becomes suppressed and I can't even make myself feel it. Somewhere along the way, my anger stopped mattering. It got reduced down to this frantic sadness, this panic to keep everything straight and to figure everything out quickly so that it wouldn't get out of my control. Except that my capacity to be in control is getting smaller and smaller and I keep internalizing everything and then shoving that ideal on everyone else. Elizabeth told me to please find someone I can yell to. Someone to vent to. She suggested it had something to do with David; that he reacted so negatively to my anger that I broke and began translating my feelings into sadness because it was easier to justify to him. It rings true but I hated hearing her say that. I was never this meek before. I was never this nervous before. I was never this hands-off before. Regardless of whether or not he had a hand in it, I hate this person I've become. It would be nice if all I had to do was just yell more. 
26 February 2014 @ 01:07 pm
happy things this month in no particular order:
- basically falling in love with photography x10000 all over again
- yelling through sleepy hollow with my a++ roomie
- getting really good grades so far
- being happy with myself for the first time in years
- my sisters birthday (25 ayoooo)
- we booked another wedding too ayyooooooooo
- perfecting my iced coffee recipe
- snooooooow
- dog
- this list is becoming more and more incoherent as i write it because i have a midterm in 30 minutes and i'm going to vomit
- but dog
12 February 2014 @ 06:03 pm
so like I haven't used this in a while but I feel like I should because it's a good way to put everything out into space

like yeah maybe I'll start actually keeping a journal again on here yeahhhh
26 February 2010 @ 10:16 pm
(Links are in the playlist titles)
(Photo by me)

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Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: Memories (Someone We'll Never Know) - Clint Mansell
05 October 2009 @ 01:51 pm
 First off? It wasn't that bad. This isn't a scathing review. Yes, I'm surprised too.

Read more...Collapse )
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Pot Kettle Black - Tilly and the Wall
23 February 2009 @ 11:48 pm
Leaving the Starbucks at the mall and passing the fountain, I see a young man with his baby daughter. He has multiple facial piercings and a backwards ball cap, and his daughter looks Asian American. He talks to and looks at her like she's the most precious thing in the world and seems endearingly amused by her facination with the fountain.
Am left with an uplifted feeling of faith in humanity. 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: My Love - the Bird and the Bee
10 December 2008 @ 05:03 pm

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
10 October 2008 @ 02:02 am

that is all. 8|
Current Mood: shockedshocked
29 August 2008 @ 10:43 pm
I love audiobooks. Not all of them, obviously, but when you find the perfect voice matched with the perfect book, it's a lovely treat to listen to. It's akin to being read to by an old friend. I'm listening to Sabriel and I have to say, the voice actor is perfect. He sounds like an old English man with a cup of tea reading to his grandchildren by a fireplace, spinning stories into visible, tangible worlds like wool. If I ever write a novel, I insist on picking the character who will be reading on the audiobooks.
I give props to Anne Hathaway doing the first two Princess Diaries audiobooks. It would be strange if it were anybody else.
I also love that Neil Gaiman does his own audiobooks. He has a perfect story-telling voice. But Neil Gaiman is a natural-born storyteller so that is to be expected.
I don't think I could do my own audiobooks. I love reading aloud but I couldn't say for sure how I'd sound.

Also, am I the only person who constantly looks back on everything I write and am concerned by how many times I say "I"?
As I'm talking from my point of view I guess I don't have a choice, but if I tried to count every time I use that letter, I think I'd be disgusted with myself.

In other news, Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett, the geniuses behind Gorillaz, have formed a new project called Monkey. It's mostly instrumental and is constructed of very old-fashion Asian music and sound effects. The songs are very bizarre and dreamy and nothing like Gorillaz, but I give them props for originality and trying something new. I do like some of the songs.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: I Love Buddha - Monkey
24 August 2008 @ 01:42 pm

1. Moan - Trentemøller (http://www.box.net/shared/clsnmzdtv5)
2. Don't Cry Out - Shiny Toy Guns (http://www.box.net/shared/1p57fcjsgl)
3. Ur So Gay - Katy Perry (http://www.box.net/shared/upiyy6gle7)
4. Golden Skans - Klaxons (http://www.box.net/shared/6c6gz1j67n)
5. Calabria 2007 - Enur (http://www.box.net/shared/y0im5kn8or)
6. Take Five - Dave Brubeck (http://www.box.net/shared/z0nfx8ycyk)
7. I Won't Say I'm in Love - Hercules (http://www.box.net/shared/i56l7g50yn)
9. Rock is Dead - Marilyn Manson (http://www.box.net/shared/viqfp0q0df)
10. Ooh La La - Stereophonics (http://www.box.net/shared/aud3gvm0mf)
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Warning Sign - Coldplay